Mirror Talk / Enigma

To take a good look at yourself, as I feel we all must at times. To look deep inside ourselves and contemplate whether our actions and behaviour is genuinely good enough. I want to face myself, in the mirror, see my harshest critic and still survive the undressing. Those who question are nothing compared to the face that stares back at me. Can I, can we, ever be enough? I believe it comes down to the goodness inside. I wanted to see myself, accept that I could not possibly do everything, please everyone and satisfy all desires.

I once again took to the crisp and cold streets of the centre of Budapest. Another mini adventure beckoned. I was with another friend, a creature I am fond of. I had not seen her for a while and I was happy to be reunited with her, surrounded by the slowest melting snow I had seen. The ice was still floating down the river, the sky was still moody but lovely, evocative of some classic paintings my eyes have seen, the mood was special, just as yesterday.

I still can't believe how beautiful my friend is. She has this fragile wonder that draws me into immense curiosity toward her. She seems so breakable and yet powerful, and in so many ways. I haven't known many people who suck me in quite so hard. She weaves a spell of sorts. I am fascinated by the way she moves, by the way her mechanics make her think and react and look at things and me and, well, just about everything. I can feel some kindness, some kind of distorted warmth. I always have a good time when I am with her. I want to write about her. I even tell her, she asks what would i want to do that for, and I feel like she has answered the question herself. In not being able to see what is so interesting the enigma is unveiled and I am compelled to write about her. She is striking, odd, and great company.

We walked through Margit Island with snow covering the scene, ice passing by us as the river split either side around the island, the sky was watching us, people were around though it was relatively quiet, and strange folk appeared at certain moments. My friend refused to let me take photos of her. Somehow I manage a few. Such a pretty face and I cannot capture it, not even for the relative injustice of a photo. Of course, the memory bank holds her there, but photos are always nice to have, especially of those we hold dear. We see some animals in a mini zoo and enter, I end up holding an eagle or a falcon or something, on the glove they use to perch on with their keepers. The creature was magnificent, its eyes all over the place, watching, carefully observing, its feathers looked soft and glorious when opened up as the man fed small pieces of meat to the stunning winged figure. I enjoyed this spell until my feet suddenly became frozen and the moment was pushing me toward the next one.

We went to find a place for a hot drink. It is never easy when we meet, she is indecisive like I have never known in a person before and somehow in her company this trait spreads quickly and I have no answers either. When sat down I look at her. We talk, I notice how she always needs to play with something. She normally smokes. She did not today. She threw a bottle in the air the whole walk round Margit island, almost. She now fiddles with a wristband that she snaps off her arm. She always needs a toy I notice. Again, I am fascinated. She is thin, like I said fragile, I hope I don't ever break her, and maybe that I can help her if anyone else ever breaks her.

I don't know a lot of people here, not really, not beyond the confines of my school, but by golly do I know some astonishing people here. Enough to fill my senses with total joy and beauty and many, many magical experiences. I feel lucky, once again. To share these days is to have true wealth, to have such creatures at my side I will never forget. Much as Madrid the decade before I have had the fortune to make friends with special people. This weekend was almost too lovely to take at times, and the man in the mirror, looking back, even talking, like a crazed figure on some kind of mission can take it easy on himself at times. Just let it unfold, let it take its place, let it form and show what it is meat to be. All we have to do is allow these things to be whatever they may be.